It is something I've never experienced before.  I am a problem solver.  When something bothers me, I obsess on it.  I devour it like a starved lion until it is resolved.  But I have never experienced grieving before.

It has now been 5 days since my father's funeral and not only have I not solved this, but I don't even know the problem.  I am leading towards the understanding that what is different about grief is that it is a problem with no solution.  It is simply waves of confusion and sorrow until it wears off like the half-life of radioactive material.  Nothing to figure out, nothing to solve, nothing to provide relief but time.

My father and I didn't get on much growing up, but over the last 20 years, we had developed a much more positive relationship.  It began with him working hard helping us fix up our first two homes, he and my mother taking care of my children after school and culminating with he and I re-building my 800 square foot deck this past summer.  It is not guilt, not regret, I haven't had a chance to miss him yet and he went peacefully in his sleep after 25 years of heart trouble.

I have never truly understood grieving, but I hope I have started to get my arms around it now.