No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland)

 

*Sees burglar hiding in closet*
Me: Hey, mind if I hide in here with you? I need to get away from kids.
— MyQuestionableLife (@2questionable)

 

Parenting is pretty fun if you like spending Saturday afternoons being back seat driven by a 4 foot tall tyrant wearing plastic Pikachu ears
— Lurkin’ Mom (@LurkAtHomeMom) 

 

Me at 8am: “Oh, juice spill? That’s ok, kids. Love you.”
Me at 5pm: “If ONE MORE GODDAMN DROP OF JUICE spills, I’m burning the house down!”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom)

 

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.
Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.
Then I know.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn)

 

When school sends home the lice letter, they should accompany it with a blowtorch and a listing of all the local homes for sale.
— OutnumberedMother (@OutNumbMother)

 

That moment when you realize the only bands you’ve heard in concert lately are your kids pretending to be bands in concert.
— Doyin Richards (@daddydoinwork)

 

The Blair Witch Project, but it’s just my toddler ripping down the baby monitor, then sitting in the corner crying.
— Dragging Feeties (@DraggingFeeties)

 

If I had a penny for every time I said, “He’s not a horse, he’s your brother” I could afford to buy an actual horse for her.
— Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart)

The reason why a 2 parent system works so well is that one can take over yelling at the kids if the other gets winded
— Zack (@Mr_Kapowski)

 

Naptime is better described as the eye of the hurricane.
— The ParentNormal (@ParentNormal)

 

Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
— ThisOneSays (@ThisOneSayz)

 

“Wow, I’ve always wanted this.”
~ something my 3yo didn’t know existed 2 seconds ago
— Dad’s Take (@DadsTake)

 

It doesn’t matter how loud you play it, John Denver’s Sunshine On My Shoulders will not drown out the fighting kids in your back seat.
— Kate Hall (@KateWhineHall)

After a lengthy deliberation, my 7yo told me it was ok for me to tell him to go to bed. Thanks, buddy.

— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins)