[Fredslist] The MOAFR (Mother of All Friars Roasts)

[Jane Jacobs]

Cruise: Lauer, you glib bastard.
Lauer: Matt, stay for lunch!  We'll get you a booster seat.

Last year I wrote about going backstage to the Friars Roast of Pat Cooper.
It was my 50th birthday present from Fred and it was a thrill to be
photographed with whoever those people were.

This year the Roast-ee was Matt Lauer and the roast was a whole 'nother
thing.  I started lobbying months ago to go backstage with Fred.  He made
some feeble protest that his daughter-in-law, the mother of his
grandchildren, wanted to go, but last time I checked Julie wasn't handling
his arbitrations.  Sorry, Julie.

We arrived hours early and made the now-ritualized trek through the
kitchen, up the service elevator, and into the rooms behind the ballroom.
Still no Ray Liotta, and I was looking hard.

Lauer was being interviewed by some 8 foot tall Amazon with 6 feet of blond
hair.  We wandered through the crowd and spotted Abe Vigoda, who appeared
to be somewhat alive.  After Fred took my photo with him, Dominick Chianese
walked over to chat.  Spotting the traitor Tessio chatting with the
traitorous Uncle Junior, Fred yelled, "THAT'S the picture!" and started
happily snapping away in their faces.

Some time during the next 30 minutes I realized my role in this process.  I
am Fred's prop, his excuse to talk to the celebrities.  He corners them and
asks if he can take their photos with me, as if I were one of Jerry's Kids.
I've perfected the pitiful look.  Lucky for me, Fred's got good taste, and
I've got photos with Lauer, Roker, Diane Sawyer,  Bob Saget (for my 10 year
old who adores Full House although I'm still reeling from his bit in the
Aristocrats), and Dara Torres.  I really wanted to ask her if it was true
that she didn't know she'd won because she couldn't read the scoreboard
without her glasses, but I didn't have it in me.

Half of the fun last year was watching the near famous sidling up to the
more famous.  This year it was watching the leches.  An network head
starred at the chest of Miss Universe without the slightest trace of
embarrassment, then, when posing between Miss Universe and Miss USA, made
comments that almost made me slip him my card.  He'll need it soon.

Every year there's one that got away.  Last year it was Richard Belzer.
This year it was Aretha, who made a diva's fashionably late entrance just
in time to sing the National Anthem, or similar words to the same music.

Possibly my favorite moment of that hour was telling Fred that he'd be
sitting next to Omarosa, then explaining to him who she was.  From my table
it looked like they got along famously.  As she left she was heard
muttering, "goes around...comes around...receive and give...."

While this no doubt was the MOAFR, it couldn't escape its roots.  Fred and
I left through the kitchen and they held the elevator for Pat Cooper.  Fred
chided him for being too nice, to which Cooper responded, "MY GODDAMNED
HEARING AID BROKE!  I HAD TO CUT IT SHORT!  I COULDN'T HEAR A GODDAMNED
THING!"

A shame, really.  He missed a helluva good show.


 (See attached file: Vigoda.JPG)(See attached file: Junior and Tessio.JPG)
(See attached file: Lauer.JPG)(See attached file: Roker.JPG)(See attached
file: Sawyer.JPG)(See attached file: Torres.JPG)(See attached file:
Saget.JPG)(See attached file: Cruise.JPG)



Jane B. Jacobs
Klein Zelman Rothermel LLP
485 Madison Avenue
New York, NY 10022
212 935 6020
fax: 212 753 8101
Cell: 646 413 2275
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