[Fredslist] Fw: You're Wearing That?

[Fred Klein]

Below is the latest article (about Mothers and Daughters) by my daughter in law Julie Klein. 
Sent via BlackBerry from EarthLink Wireless.

-----Original Message-----
From: Julie <julie2k at optonline.net>
Date: Mon, 20 Mar 2006 07:26:02 
To:Fred Klein <fklein at kzrd.com>
Subject: You're Wearing That?

Mothers and Daughters:
 
Examining our Conversations
 
By Julie A. Klein
 
            A simple conversation between a mother and daughter, no matter their respective ages, can spark a range of emotions for both participants: love, anger, happiness, empathy, caring, sympathy, hatred, sadness and more.  To help understand why this is so, I suggest picking up the new book, “You’re Wearing That?  Understanding Mothers and Daughters in Conversation,” by Deborah Tannen.  
 
            I say this especially to anyone who is a daughter, or a mother of a daughter (or both - like me).  And if you happen to be neither, I bet you are somehow related to one or the other and would appreciate making some sense of the intricate, delicate, precious and subtle art of mother/daughter conversation.  Many of us struggle our whole lives trying to figure it out.        
 
            In her Preface, Dr. Tannen remarks, “The relationship between mothers and daughters is the literal ‘mother of all relationships.’”  She continues by describing these relationships as “the source of the deepest love and also the deepest anger…”       What moved me the most was her observation that “To a daughter, a mother is larger than life, so any judgments from her can seem like a life sentence.”  
 
            Probably not too surprising is the author’s description of the three big categories on which mothers frequently impose their judgment and criticism: their daughters’ hair, clothes and weight.  We have all experienced some of this on some level.  For me, it was not usually my mother who was critical of my appearance (except on holidays), but rather, her mother, my grandmother.   
 
            Whenever we would visit her, and it was fairly often, she would inevitably be ready with a comment or two about my appearance.  And the comment was never positive.  When I was 11 or 12, the criticism usually took the form of “Is that a pimple on your face?” or “You look too skinny, don’t you eat enough?”  After reading this book, I realized that she was in fact criticizing her own daughter’s ability to raise her children -- her daughters.  One of the lessons I have learned is to be careful when talking with my daughter about her appearance.  It is vital for me to choose words that are kind and supportive rather than critical and judgmental.      
 
            “YOU’RE WEARING THAT?” reminds us that many mothers envision their daughters as a reflection of themselves.  It is all too common for a mother to care about her daughter’s appearance as she steps out into the world for everyone else to judge how well a job she did raising her daughter.  But really, daughters want to be judged for who they are, and they want their mothers to approve of the person they have become -- someone separate from their mother.  
 
            Dr. Tannen emphasizes that the unique nature of female relationships is the reason why mother/daughter relationships are “fraught.”  She says that “For daughters and mothers, as for any pair of women who are close, long rambling conversations can be among the most satisfying aspects of their relationship, a big part of what makes them close…”  Significantly however, is that “frequent conversations also provide frequent opportunities to absorb negative emotions---and to learn to discern those emotions from subtle signals sent by the words spoken, by tone of voice, or by silence.”
 
            A great deal of this book discusses the difference between “messages” – what a person actually says, and those “subtle signals” called “metamessages” -- what a person hears, i.e. how she interprets the message (something she believes is implied, but not actually said).  This is what typically causes a rift in their communications and, throughout the book, Dr. Tannen provides many examples.  
 
            The examples come to life on the page.  Throughout the book, I experienced flashbacks of countless childhood, teenage and even adult conversations with my mother that I had not thought of since.  I couldn’t help but chuckle, feel sad at times and thoroughly relate to these real life conversation scenarios.  Dr. Tannen takes us into the perceptions of the people engaged in conversation to give us a clearer understanding of the party sending the “message” and the party receiving the “metamessage.”  And often the way it is received, or interpreted, is 180 degrees from what the sender (speaker) intended.  
 
            These observations have helped me to understand the zillions of metamessages that seem to be inherent in my conversations with my mother, sisters, friends, mother-in-law and husband!  Readers will gain insight into their own conversations: how they could rephrase a sentence or merely change one word to avoid sending a negative “metamessage” and possibly damaging a relationship.  
 
            Upon being presented with the question, “What do you hope is the most important thing that readers will learn from YOU'RE WEARING THAT?,” Dr. Tannen responded, “Generally, to see conversations from the other's point of view.  Specifically, that caring and criticizing are both there, and that you can change what you don't like about how conversations go by changing your own ways of talking.” 
 
            In the book, Dr. Tannen remarks that, “Our deepest wish is to be understood and approved of by our mothers and daughters.  We can get closer to that goal by listening to the ways we talk to each other, and by learning to talk to each other in new ways.”
 
            I suggest reading this book to learn the “new ways” to which she is referring.  Your daughter, mother, friend, sister, brother, anyone you speak to will thank you (but perhaps only in a metamessage).
 
Please submit any comments by email to Julie2k at optonline.net: <mailto:Julie2k at optonline.net> 
 
© Copyright 2006 Julie A. Klein, All Rights Reserved.