[Fredslist] [Op Ed] A Hard Hitting View of Kids Leaving

[Donald Bernstein]

A Hard Hitting View of Kids Leaving
 
    One year ago, when my son Joshua was starting his senior year of
college, I asked him what he thought he might want to do after he
graduates.  It seemed to be a reasonable question.  "I think I am going
to move to California with some friends," he said.
 
    It wasn't quite what I expected.  And the thought of Josh moving so
far away gave me a bad case of acid reflux.  But I didn't worry too much
at the time.  Graduation seemed far off.  He won't go to California, I
thought.  Friends will back out, things will come up, I will hide his
ATM card; he won't go.
 
    This summer his plans were uncertain.  He got two good job offers in
New York and he tormented himself whether to accept them or to stick to
his California-bound plan instead.  I wasn't sure what he would do, and
neither was he.
 
    I always told him that California was a great idea, while inside
part of me wanted him to stay here though I never told him that.  I got
used to Josh being back in New York over the summer.  And while he was
busy with work and spending time with his girlfriend, we did take a
little trip to Foxwoods last week.  We brought our finest sport jackets,
had champagne and chateaubriand, and played the craps table all night.
Josh was a good shooter and came home a winner after the second day.  We
should play craps again sometime, we both agreed.
 
    Then just this morning, at about 5:30, the sun not even up, and
while I stood watching, half dressed and barely awake, Josh crammed
himself and his raggy bags stuffed with everything he owns except his
skis into a small Toyota and, with his girlfriend, one more car and four
other friends, pointed westward and drove away.
 
    Southern California sounds wonderful.  And I hear that San Diego is
a lovely place though I have never been there.  After four years of
bitter cold in college in Montreal, I know that Josh is eager for a mild
climate and a sandy beach.  But I also know that he is moving not only
to find something new, but to leave something old behind.  Like his
parents, for instance.  "I feel like a child when I am in New York," he
has said to me.  
 
    But why so far away?  Why not move to Boston, or Washington, or a
nice town in North Carolina maybe?  On the other hand, why not
California?  Come to think of it, as I sit at the same desk I have been
sitting at for the past 20 years, I almost wish I was going too.
 
    I remember many years ago, when I was 21 and just graduated, I got
into my car one Fall morning and drove west to Chicago to live.  To me
it seemed far away.  I really didn't know anyone there, other than my
college girlfriend which was the reason why I wanted to move.  I had no
job, no place to live and no idea what I would be doing.  But it was
exciting and new and fresh and everything was in front of me.
 
    Over the next few years I finished law school, married the college
girlfriend, bought a small house with no garage, worked in a large firm,
had a daughter, and became a Bears fan.  It was during those years, not
college, that I went from child to adulthood.  Then one day during my
sixth year in Chicago, I was talking to my family on the telephone, and
I suddenly thought "that's it, enough."  I announced to my wife that we
were moving back to New York.  A few months later I got into the car,
eastbound to Manhattan.
 
    They say the best graduation gift you can give your child is
independence and being able to let them go.  That may sound good.  But
all I know is that when that Toyota went down West 88th Street and I saw
the back of Joshua's head though the rear window slowly disappearing, I
wanted to cry and run after them.  As I walked away, I wondered whether
Josh will ever move back to New York.  Maybe in a few months, or a few
years; or maybe not ever.  Then I realized that I really do hope he
stays; that will be his triumph. 
 
    As I sit aimlessly in my office, tapping my pencil on my desk, and
counting with my fingers how many inches the west coast is from the east
coast on a map, I have promised myself not to call him today, or
tomorrow, and to let him be.  I will not annoy him with questions about
money and jobs and whatever else I bother him with.   Instead I will
think of my trip to Chicago so long ago, and all I have done since then,
and I will look at the map and the great places Josh and his friends are
going to visit on their way west, and I will wonder about  the stories
that I hope Josh will tell his sons or daughters 25 years from now about
his drive cross country and the life he made for himself in sunny San
Diego. 
 
    Well, maybe after he stops over in Las Vegas in a few days, I will
give him a call -- just to see how he did at the craps table.
 
H.H.D.B.
 
 
THE VIEWS REFLECTED IN THIS ARTICLE ARE THAT OF THE AUTHOR AND NOT OF
GOTHAM NETWORKING OR ANY OF ITS MEMBERS.  OPINIONS AND COMMENTS
REGARDING THIS ARTICLE SHOULD BE SENT DIRECTLY TO THE AUTHOR.
 
 
 
    
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