I grew up in a time and place where almost every nuclear family looked the same; there was a mother and father and children. The only difference among most of my friends’ families was whether or not their grandparents lived with them. Consequently, when I divorced my children’s father when they were both very young, Calli was 5 years and Sydney was 16 months, the question of what the word “family” would mean to my children concerned me. I assumed it would be a considerable topic of conversation between myself and my daughters when they were older. As with most things you plan with children, the discussion did not happen either when or in the manner I had assumed it would.

When Sydney was just 3 years old, she came home from nursery school one day and told me that she had “an issue” she needed to discuss with me. She surprised me when she asked me why her friend was going on vacation with both her Mommy and Daddy. I thought I misunderstood the question and asked Sydney what she meant. Sydney shocked me when she said, “Sara said that she was going on vacation with both her Mommy and Daddy and that she lives with both her Mommy and Daddy. I told her that’s not true, you either live with your Mommy or Daddy.” I had no idea until that moment that my daughter thought that the “typical family” was a divorced family.

As a result of Sydney’s unexpected point of view, the discussion I’ve been preparing myself to have with my children, concerning what is a family, took a much different turn. Instead of explaining to my daughter why our family was different from others, I had to explain to her why other families were not like ours. While it sounds like a subtle difference it completely changed the text of the conversation I had rehearsed in my mind so many times.

I cannot remember exactly what I said to Sydney that day but I will never forget her final comment on the subject, “So it doesn’t matter what your family looks like, it only matters that your family makes you feel cozy.” I could not have said it better.